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Arthur: I got two words for you: I'm staying right here!
Carrie: That's four words.
Arthur: Ok, I have another four words for you then: screw you!
(Fra piloten)

Doug: What about Arthur, remember him? Old guy, smells like cheese even when he hasn't had any.

Doug: I think I know my way around town. I'm a driver, you know.
Carrie: Yes, I know. I'm reminded everytime I look at your paycheck.

Carrie: Did you ever have a friend whose life sucked so bad it made you feel better about your own?
Holly: No.
Carrie: Well, I did. It was you

Arthur: I'll handle the lyrics, and you look like the sort who can write music.
Spence: What's that supposed to mean?
Arthur: I think you know what that means, Mr. 'I just haven't found the right girl yet.'

Arthur: Why are you late?
Spence: You called me 10 minutes ago and told me to be here in 10 minutes.
Arthur: I've had enough of your excuses!

Carrie: I'm thinking it's time we do something about my dad.
You want to do the pillow thing we saw on Law & Order?

Carrie: Doug, did you see my blue camisol?
Doug: I'd be more help if I knew what a camisol was

Carrie: Dad, no. NO! Let go of it. You cannot drink Tabasco and cream. You've got an ulcer and you're lactose intolerant.

Carrie: It's not a regular circus. It's French. It's Cirque du Soleil. They have men with wings dancing in the air.
Doug: More like 'Cirque du So Gay.'

Doug: How 'bout givin' me a lemon square, huh?
Janet: Well, just one—I don't wanna spoil your appetite.
Doug: Yet to happen.

Marilyn: I assume you're taking folic acid.
Carrie: Well, I took some at a Metallica concert once—woke up the next day at the parking lot of a Waldbaum's.

Doug: Hey, listen, since you're gonna be seeing clear from now on, I feel I should warn you... I'm a little overweight.

Doug: If eating hot dogs is wrong, I don't wanna be right.

Arthur: You love your parents more than me, admit it!
Doug: Done.

Arthur: This is a perfectly good container. Why are you throwing it out?
Carrie: Because when I buy margarine again, I'm pretty sure they're going to give me another one to take it home in

Doug: First of all, I haven't beaten up a four year old since I was eight.

Doug: Raw fish not as good as cooked cow.

Doug: Oh yeah, I'm scary. Then how come they didn't make a horror movie called Doug? Huh, CARRIE?!?!

Arthur: Douglas? It's Arthur Spooner.
Doug: Okay, last name not necessary.

Carrie: I'm getting an iPod, so you can have my CD player.
Arthur: Great, another one of your obsolete hand-me-downs. I'll put it next to my Betamax and my Epilady.

Doug: "We gotta refinance." Any money we save she'll just stick in the bank or use to pay bills. It's so stupid

Danny: Why can't I find a great girl?
Doug: I could tell you the truth, but it'd feel like a donkey kick.

Doug: I cannot believe I lost [my wallet]. I mean, my drivers license, my insurance card... my gym membership.
Carrie: Yeah, without that and your library card, how will you live?

Arthur: You know, we're quite a team, like Jake and the Fatman. Needless to say, I'm Jake

Carrie: Okay, Doug, you know what? This year I don't want a Christmas present. All I want is for you to stop acting like a big baby and grow up.
Doug: No, I gave that to you last year.

Doug: Tell me, what kind of a guy goes to get his clothes altered?
Carrie: You. I mean, I've let your pants out so many times the tailor invited me to his daughter's wedding.

Danny: Our place is no good, Spence's mom has another date over.
Spence: Lowell's not her date, he's her piano teacher.
Danny: We don't have a piano.
Spence: He brings his organ and she practices on that.

Spence: I was in the other day. I told her I was allergic to peanuts, and Sienna remembered.
Danny: That doesn't mean she's into you, alright. It means she doesn't want to have to open your throat with a pen

Deacon: I'm not going to get fired for your mistake.
Doug: They're not going to fire you; you're a minority!

Deacon: How much money do I spend on you at lunch every day?
Doug: Hey, we always split the bill in half.
Deacon: We don't split the food in half.

Deacon: You've never been out of America. Why do you even have a passport?
Doug: I heard they still have the McRib in Canada

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